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Basically I have been neglecting this blog slightly.
I have found that I have been over-thinking what to post, and as a result, just avoiding it.
(Eg. I have so many photos from Cuba, and so much to say and I don't know where to start)
Quite a bit has happened since the new year, good and bad.
I returned from Cuba just over month ago, and it was an absolutely amazing experience. I miss the place and the people a great deal, although I am sure that I will return and that I will see at least some of the people again.
Since coming back to Scotland, I've been in a bit of a 'dip' (as one friend described it).
After the initial residual energy and motivation from Cuba wore off, I began to fall into a very negative pattern.
It was great in the first week of being back: I quit my job (in an empowering way), booked myself onto some Cuban salsa classes, downloaded a bunch of Spanish learning apps, and was all ready to be motivated with submitting my film to film festivals, and planning my travels back to Central America and the Caribbean.
Soon however, the reality of living back with my family and without any kind of structure to my days, set in. I had less money (or at least just savings which I had no idea how long they were to last me until), and no real certainty about what I really wanted to do job/career/life-wise. I stopped going to the dance classes, and stopped listening to music.
Every night I would cry myself to sleep and then have nightmares, and it would take me some time each morning to work out what was real and what wasn't, or even just take me time to 'recover' from the trauma of the night. Then there would be no real reason for me to get up, so the morning would blend into afternoon, and before I knew it, it would be night - and the cycle would start all over again.
I was really lonely and I hadn't spoken to or met up with anyone my age for a month.
I avoided friends / replying to friends (as I have done when I have felt like this before) and of course that didn't help either.
I didn't really speak to my family about it.
This is not the first time I have been in this head-space, but the combination of other factors including grief of a close school friend, two break-ups in like 7 months, family issues, feeling upset about my face/hair/body, and a general feeling of 'life-crisis' - all compounded into a pretty nasty cocktail of emotions.
Around a week ago, I decided to just STOP.
Stop trying to apply for jobs (that I had almost no interested in), stop pressuring myself to plan my life plans or organise my next thing in a sort of business-like-panic.
("I am fine. SO FINE. What are you talking about? I AM FINE. SO SO FINE. I AM SO TOTALLY FINE AND ORGANISED AND SORTING THINGS AND DOING STUFF AND MAKING LISTS AND REALLY I AM FINE. MORE THAN FINE! OKAY?!!!!" etc.)
Instead I tidied my room space, showered, and messaged all of the friends I had not messaged in ages, or ones I had been ignoring.
Part of this was mixed in with the fact that I just started reading The F Word (a book about female friendships and their importance), and really, I know that what makes me feel happiest is when I have social contact.
After chatting with some of them, I felt 10000 times better. Okay, yes, sometimes the conversations were a bit sad, and some of them had been struggling with their own difficulties and problems - but I care because they are my friends. And having friends is really important to me. It also made me feel not alone in finding life difficult sometimes. I know I have it good in many ways, this is just a little blip.
I think I have clarified what I want (at least a little more), and what sorts of environments I work well in (and what ones I don't).
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End of March
I worked in Oxford last week to work on Channel 4's Unreported World, and am meeting up with various friends & family in Edinburgh this week (and doing job applications / life-planning / cute Easter things).
I plan to go running, maybe go to a dance class, and go for a swim & sauna.
April
I still need to work out what I am doing for the first part of April, but then I am going to Spain mid-April with some old school friends for a chill holiday, and I am beyond excited about it.
Summer:
I have some plans for the summer, and I'm trying to work out the best choice to make right now, while also taking it easy and not putting too much pressure on myself.
There are two projects in Central America where I would be film-making (June/July) - but I need to work out whether I can realistically fund them.
I would like to travel around there too and maybe also visit New York.
I have also applied for some film-making workshops / pitches / programmes in Europe, which I am waiting to hear back from, which would run during the spring/summer.
As well as that, I am also applying to some film production funds to make stuff abroad.
But as you can tell, it's all a bit up in the air and dependent on money and whether I am successful in various applications.
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In a way, I found myself going back to my new years resolutions in order to work out what I need to do next.
Mostly they were about: languages, feeling good/happy, travelling, making creative projects (film and writing and possibly making a childrens' book), and my own health. So that's what I will focus on.
It's going to be great, and lots of exciting things are coming up.
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In other news:
1. I've started a GoodReads account, and I'm getting much more back into reading. Would be really good to see what some other people are reading, and please do let me know if there is something you think I really should read.
2. I now have a 'professional' website for my film-y/-media-y/creative-y things. It is not totally finished, and I am still in the process of adding projects etc - but here it is for now: www.catrionaosullivan.com
3. I just finished watching Shetland, and have been watching the Great British Bake Off Charity Special, and have been dipping into bits of Ru Paul. I'm looking for a new series, so any recommendations welcome!
4. This week I am going to make more home-made pasta. This will most likely be posted on my Instagram
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