a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past.

Allowing myself to become overwhelmed with nostalgia.

I have lost so many people.

Where are they?

How do I get them back?

Will it be the same?

Songs that I can't play anymore without thinking of you.

Photos that captured us happy.

The number of people who have slipped through my fingers... I've lost count.

Dancing in a living room, doing the macarena to french music and Dana International.

Letting you smoke out my bedroom window, whilst we bitch about classes, and put the world to right.

Running into cold Scottish water with your family, and poems shared together in the evening.

Indian food and rugby games, sitting on your banana-shaped chair and discussing politics with elderflower cordial

House-parties that felt truly mad, crazy and free.

Music classes where I felt part of a strong group, bonded through sound.

Sleepovers and talking of things that we didn't and probably still don't understand.

Watching Tre Metre Sopra Il Cielo, and drinking coke in your spotless apartment.

Pizza in Belgium, your mother telling us to go into the flat party.

A rubber duck left in my pigeon hole.

Ice Cafe and being 'fancy'.

Those dinners with the four of us, talking about wine. Your apartment so pretty and grown-up.

Being loud and obnoxious in the computer room, and taking smoking/45 cent coffee breaks every so often.

Biertjes en friets

Falling in love on a bridge. More than once. 

Cycling and holding hands.

Cafe Lure sandwiches (BLTC)

Discussing boys and being loud.

Staying up late with all the people I had just met. Chips means crisps. Skateboards. Then coffee in the morning. Takk.

Silly nights out, dancing on tables, feeling free.

Weekends in Apeldoorn. Oma and brothers and cousins. 

Port and Sushi. Computers and train rides.

Hamsters and cupcakes.

New music and 'hipstermatic'. Giggling and being led astray.

'Paradise' playing in the car to Den Haag. Feeling so happy I could cry.

Texting during Universalis meetings.

Your handlebars fixed with sellotape.

Sitting on the back of bikes to get to uni.

The song 'Home' and never actually saying good-bye to you before you went back to Australia

Evenings with wine and radio 4 and tea and dairy milk. All the home comforts.

Handstands and stunts with Bo. 

Albert Heijn wine and being taught how to make pasta. By different people. Differently. At different times.

Dutch Spotify ads.

Het is een nacht.


Long car rides, and being perfect car buddies.

Nightclubs in Munich.

Pink fluffy unicorns. Flula. Being unsure what you thought.

Wine and late night walks. alalapopolala and smileys with too many eyes :::)

A spiral and pictures. Words and blue.

Lavazza coffee. Nutella. All the happy things. Early mornings. Blue flip-flops and red basketball shorts.

Flowers in the garden. 'Braai'. That 'swing' made out of a bed-sheet.

Queens day. 


Calm walks to see the goats.

Knowing your house phone number by heart.

The mandril art classes

Macdonalds when I forgot to get food on a Sunday (or when we were hungover)

Take 5, Il Bacaro, Cafe Zondag.

AUC dorm corridors. 

Exploring kinderdijk.

Photos and Amsterdam. The bookstore with the tree.


The reggae music that woke us up on A.Batalaan. 

Sushi & COD. Dominos and painting.

When we realised we both liked Kings of Convenience. 

That scary announcement for when the library closed.

When your dogs didn't bark the first time they met me.

The Edinburgh Festival, adventures in St Andrews, all a whirlwind.

'Brainwash' and making you stay there for hours.

Being so happy in Spain. Car rides through the mountains. That bike ride. Sunbathing. The food.

When you told me my skin was soft. 

That accordion. 

Watching those Korean TV shows that you would explain to me.

Lying in the sun. Especially the time on that bit of grass outside Raccordement. 

I have lived.

So much more to live.

*This was not about one person. But about many.

Heart It


  1. i'm sorry you've lost so many people, i know the feeling and it is very intoxicating. dancing in living rooms, house parties, grown up dinner parties in pretty apartments, all of that seem to help, i think, and i hope. xo

  2. nostalgia is such a bitter-sweet feeling to me. The sense of what you used to have, and now you're not. the sense of memory of what you've been through - bad or good.

    I'm sorry that you lost so many people



Follow by Email: